By MARILYN MANA-AY ROBLES
There is this story about a seven-year old boy who lived with his sisters and parents. Beside their house resides an elderly couple who loved doing housework together. One day, he learned the man of the house had died. He rushed to his neighbor’s house to see his widow. He stayed there for a while. When he came home, his parents asked what he told the widow. He said, “Nothing. I just sat there. I helped her cry.”
How does one console a person whose grief over a departed loved seem eternal? What does one say to a wife whose 30-year marriage had crumbled? Are words enough to appease a young man’s heart after he has been forsaken by a parent or a lover? On the other hand, how does one express concern when a person expresses deep regret over the circumstances of his birth, a signal he considers ending his life.
There is a scarcity of words whenever one is faced with an individual who is consumed with imposing negative emotions. It is in situations like these when a mix-match of action and words occur. Inappropriate statements are uttered which heightens the already distressed condition of the individual.
Is it fitting to advise a father who had just lost his 9 year old son to an extremely rare case of cancer of the eye that “It’s okay. “? “I know how you feel.”? The bereaved, out of courtesy, will accept the expression of sympathy but really will resent the statement as it is not apt for the occasion. How could it be okay to lose some one dear and at so tender an age? Has he lost a son himself?
The phrases “It’s okay” “It’s alright “or “You’ll get over this” should be avoided during thorny and complex situations. Consider this: if things were okay, there is no reason to pronounce such reassuring words.
Many times, in our desire to comfort or encourage a distressed friend or a relative, we talk because silence during gloomy moments is scary. It is a wise thought to keep quiet and to listen to the other person speak his mind. Whether he or she is depressed, suicidal, bereaved or hopeless, a person whose heart is full of despair would unconsciously like to talk about the matter that troubles him/her if given the chance. Better still, if he is lead to open up. Speak little but convey much.
If a person is open to an exchange of ideas, ask about his/her plans. Encourage action. Help the individual find a path to get him out of the pit. The discussion may go in circles but the fact that the circumstances of the situation are placed on the table, viewed from afar, a solution is bound to emerge in time. Credit goes to the person, the one full of conflict, who cleared the path of twigs and hay.
To counsel, one must be truly sincere to help a troubled person get back on his feet again. Sometimes, because of people’s overzealous desire to see a troubled family member or friend become “normal” again, they unknowingly adopt an aggressive stance. They become the star of the situation. They lose track of the fact that to communicate with individuals who need special care and assistance, patience is required. It would be helpful to refrain from offering unsolicited advice to a person in dilemma. Wait for the person to ask for your help.
While discussing one’s experience can provide insight into some aspects of the problem a distressed person may want to clear out, this should be kept to the minimum as one’s experiences can overwhelm a person in woe. The case is not about you, it is about the other.
A person’s presence can be imposing and can provide stability and assurance to one who is troubled. Keep the talk to the minimum and allow one’s sheer presence to radiate concern and interest.
Filipinos are an expressive lot. They touch one another when amused, hold hands whenever or wherever and are quite generous with their hugs. All these gestures cost nothing and can be enjoyed by anyone who is willing to share pristine affection to others.
When daunting times come around may there be enough hands to hold and open arms willing to offer free hugs.
(The author is president of Lupus Foundation of the Philippines. She helps distressed members cope with the illness. )